Sins of the Father
by Bobbie23
Summary: A companion piece to my other story Committed to the Cause. He never wanted to repeat the mistakes his parents made. Yet somehow he has.


**Disclaimer – I don't own** _ **Law and Order SVU,**_ **just borrowing for fun.**

 **Author Note – a companion piece to** _ **Committed to the Cause.**_ **Please don't forget to read and review. Don't hate me.**

Sins of the Father

He never wanted to repeat the mistakes his parents made. Yet somehow he has.

Elliot watches Kathy as she cleans down the kitchen. She was aware of his presence as he hovered in the door. She had barely spoken to him since he came home, since he took it upon himself to go undercover, since he essentially forced Olivia to lie for him and to fight for his marriage once again.

He watches her wipe the counter as Eli babbles in his high chair. Her movements are swift and restless as she runs the cloth back and forth over the surface, wiping away the dirt which wasn't there when she started. The task acts as a distraction and a tactic, gives her a reason to avoid him and the part of the house he's in. He knows she hates him right now and wonders if she'll ever stop resenting him for making her living the life he chose.

She went out with Eli this morning, saying she was taking the baby to the soft play day at the community centre. He knew she was lying but he ignored it, knowing the argument which would ensue if he called her on it. He figures she needed some air. Elliot understands that. Between the unresolved hurt and the silence the house is stifling and it feels like he's trapped in it. He relied on Kathy's irrepressible relief that he was alive to cover the indiscretion which caused their latest argument. His arm twinges and his shoulder aches. He has nowhere to go. He can't go to the precinct; Cragen made it clear he didn't want to see him until the bullet wounds had healed.

They returned after a few hours, trudging through the door with Eli slumped over her shoulder. She paused abruptly in the doorway, her eyes travelling over him as if she didn't expect him to be there when she got back.

He and Kathy weren't the only ones who wanted to escape the imposing atmosphere. Apparently an aversion to being house bound was contagious. Their older children were notably absent; Maureen and Kathleen chose to stay in their dorm rooms and the twins only appeared at meal times, otherwise hiding in their bedrooms claiming they had homework.

Even Eli had been irritable and less than cooperative yesterday, driving Kathy crazy by clinging to her and crying whenever she tried to put him down. Elliot had taken the opportunity to escape for a while, plying the baby from her and together they wrestled the wriggling infant into his stroller. Kathy held the door open as he manoeuvred the stroller out of the house and down the steps. Eli cried for the first few minutes, but his loud strangled sobs turned into quiet whimpers before they reached the corner of their block. Soft snores followed shortly after. Elliot walked around the neighbourhood for almost an hour before he reached the church. It's only a five minute walk from their house but somehow he managed to avoid it. Yet he couldn't stop himself from staring up in awe at the imposing building. It always fascinated him. It serves a dual purpose. To many, himself included, it's a sign of hope and faithful as it doesn't yield to the test of time. To others, himself included, it's overbearing and a reminder of their faults.

' _I'm married.'_

He sat in the pews contemplating everything that was bothering him and how to put his problems into words while he waited for the last person to confess their latest sin to the priest before wheeling his slumbering child to rest in front of the wooden room. He'd kept the door open ajar to watch the stroller. He was grateful for the excuse not to look the priest in the eye as he slid open the divider. He confessed his sin to his priest, quickly whittling off his lies, his avoidance, and his lack of will to rectify the situation.

" _Forgive me Father, for I have sinned…"_

His penance is to speak to his wife.

But she doesn't want to speak to him.

Kathy turns to the washing machine and unloads it. She pointedly keeps her head turned away, refusing to acknowledge him. Elliot knows he's in the wrong. He left without a word to Kathy and almost died in the process. He doesn't know how to fix it and does his best to stay out of her way when they're in the house together.

It would be fine if this was just the job but it's not. He wonders if this is hell because he can't stop thinking about another woman when he's with his wife or if it even matters because the other woman is unattainable. Maybe he wants her because he can never have her. Elliot can still feel Olivia pressed against him, chest to chest, flesh to flesh. It was out of necessity, he reasons with himself, tries to convince himself they would have found Olivia anyway. Regardless of what happened next her quick albeit rash thinking saved them from certain immediate death.

' _I'm married.'_

He repeats it in his head, under his breath, out loud to those who have the audacity to ask him about her. It's the vow he made to Kathy on their wedding day, his oath, his barrier. It may not mean much to others but it does to him. Too many people disregard it.

He made a commitment and he will stand by it. He even stood by it when Kathy wanted to sever it. Yes, he went on dates but he was testing himself more than anything and they served nothing more than to prove he wasn't ready. So, he spent almost two years in limbo. He was lost without his family to anchor him, give him a reason to leave the precinct. More than that he was confused, and it felt like he was wandering aimlessly through the days without a cause, without a home.

' _I'm married.'_

During that time Olivia kept him grounded. She was his partner in the truest sense of the word. It was different from his marriage and he was equally committed to both. They had a rhythm he never found with another partner, they joked and laughed and were always able to drag the other out of whatever was bothering them but their connection revolved around work. They would never be able to disconnect from that. No one would believe him if he said he wasn't always attracted to her. Of course he always thought she was beautiful, but that doesn't mean he's always wanted her. They were friends and for the first few years they knew each other it was enough. It wasn't an attraction. That developed over time without his knowledge or consent. It didn't hit him till after Kathy left and he no longer had her as a source of comfort. So he clung onto the smallest gesture of support and it developed into something more than it was before his separation.

Olivia stood beside him when he wouldn't let Kathy. He shut his wife out and let his partner see the true anguish their cases caused him. He wanted to save Kathy from that. His effort was for naught though; Kathy still saw what he had no qualms about exposing Olivia to. Olivia made the choice to be open to it when she joined the force with the intention of rising through the ranks so she had the option to volunteer with Special Victims. That wasn't her fault; it would have been the same no matter who his partner was. He never wanted Kathy to feel scared, or see what they saw. Kathy saw it differently, assuming he thought she couldn't deal with it. They argued about it over and over and they never reached a compromise either of them was happy with. They simply ignored it after they reunited; soldiering on through an unexpected pregnancy while pretending all of their problems which caused the separation miraculously disappeared.

And for a while it worked. Like the three previous pregnancies it reignited a spark of excitement as they concentrated on the new life they created and tried not to ignore the wary looks from their older children. They felt embarrassed more than anything; the simple announcement of the impending child and then Elliot's swift move back to the family home had gone unquestioned purely because no child wants to think about their parent's sex life.

And they went on as if the separation had never happened.

Until a few days ago.

Elliot's arm twinges from the still healing bullet wounds. He sighs. For the eighteen months he's been home, he's tried to leave the precinct as early as he can, tried to spend as much time at home because he's missed it so much when he lost it. He remembers when he was a child and his father spent most nights working, catching as much overtime as he could so he didn't have to go home till everyone was asleep.

He spent so long trying not to turn out like his mother, obsessively so, that he was blindsided by becoming his father. At least that's what it feels like to him. He avoided his father's squad for the majority of his childhood; Elliot didn't want to feel his father's belt for doing something to embarrass him in front of his buddies. He'd felt it for less. But the few times he had to go, he saw the rare female presence in the precinct and remembers feeling sick to his stomach as he caught his father's undisguised, unapologetic lustful stare which lingered too long on the woman's form, the less than subtle sly wink which he never bothered to hide. He knew then what his father was like but was never brave enough to confront it. Instead he vowed never to be like that. If he was married, he was married.

' _I'm married.'_

That's not to say his father was completely detached from their family or never stepped in when they needed him to. He made the choices he had to when Bernie was too ill to realise how she was affecting them. Sometimes Elliot wonders if his mother's illness prevented her from realising what her husband was up to or if she chose to ignore his indiscretions.

And as he grew up he bottled up his rage towards both of them.

Rage.

That's what he inherited from his father, if not his lack of morals. No. That was wrong. Joe Stabler had morals and he instilled them in his children, often forcefully, often with his belt. He just never had the will to uphold them. He was never proud of any of his children, and even if they had been able to attain perfection it wouldn't have been good enough for him. To him they would always be failures. He never would have been able to stand up to his own expectations. And God help who ever tried to tell him that.

Elliot will never forget the shame he felt as he told his father Kathy was pregnant before they got married. It was Joe's quiet yet demanding proclamation of stepping up to his responsibilities that pushed him into proposing before he was ready. In attempting to appease his father he made a vow to Kathy. Even though he's never acted on his attraction to Olivia, Elliot feels like he's failed. It doesn't matter if it's based on more than lustful stares and sly winks it's still a fail. And he's scared of losing the will to care if he fails again.

He never wanted to repeat the mistakes his parents made. Yet somehow he has.

By holding his tongue Elliot is repeating that cycle and he hates it. He's scared of what will happen if he breaks it. At the same time he can't let it continue.

Stepping into the kitchen he clears his throat quietly. It was supposed to break the ice but it makes Kathy tense. She doesn't reply, doesn't stop what she's doing, doesn't look at him, she just inclines her head towards him. He would leave if it wasn't for the sudden urge to break the rotation they're stuck in.

"Where did you go earlier?" Elliot asks.

Kathy pauses as she rinses out the cloth she wiped the counters with. Her chin rises as she looks out the window above the sink. She swallows and her cheek twitches.

"I went to see Olivia," she announces after a long moment. Her face turns to gage his reaction to her answer. Their eyes meet and hold for a long minute. "She was worried about you." Pause. "About us."

And by bringing Olivia into it, Kathy swiftly shuts down any come back Elliot may have made about talking to Olivia about them. It's a line Elliot won't cross. It would be hypocritical of him when he's confided in Olivia however reluctantly. She stares back at him, almost daring him to try because she wants to hash this out, once and for all, wants to have an excuse to leave and never come back.

' _I'm married.'_

It's a line he won't cross.

…

 **I'm sorry.**


End file.
